Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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