there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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