Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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