I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why do cheetos always look like penises
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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