I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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