I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
