last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
