you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize