the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
