Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
