i think my tv is drunk
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
