Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
