Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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