Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
