Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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