fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
