Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
