i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
