the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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