if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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