just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
