I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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