I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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