So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
