'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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