I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
