dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
