I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
