just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
