are you so shy because you have an std?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
