so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would ride that face into the sunset
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize