my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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