i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
