Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
