You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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