i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
