Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Panties = found
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