he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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