the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
