i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
