DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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