wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
