Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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