I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
