Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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