In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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