Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
