jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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