I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
