did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
