Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
