mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
