That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
