Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
