she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
